Jokes

Farmer in the Big city

2009-05-07T13:01:00.001-07:00

A farmer, who went to a big city to see the sights, asked the hotel's clerk about the time of meals.

"Breakfast is served from 7 to 11, dinner from 12 to 3, and supper from 6 to 8," explained the clerk.

"Look here," inquired the farmer in surprise, "when am I going to get time to see the city?"

Man's heart 2

2009-03-04T09:39:00.002-08:00

A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, 'If you

take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.'

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was

astonished. He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road.

Once again the voice shouted, 'Stop ! Stand still ! If you take one more

step a car will run over you, and you will die.'

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the

corner, barely missing him. The man asked. 'Who are you?'

'I am your guardian angel,' the voice answered.

'Oh, yeah?' the man said 'And where the hell were you when I got

married?'

Man's Heart 1

2009-03-04T09:39:00.001-08:00

Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her

father escorted her down the aisle to give away to the groom. They reached

the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed

something in his hand. Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to

the father by the bride.

The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to

divulge the secret and say something. So he announced :

'Ladies and Gentlemen. Today is the luckiest day of my life ...' Then he

raised his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued, 'My

daughter finally, finally returned my Credit Card to me.'

The whole audience including the priest started laughing .. . . . . But

not the poor Groom ! ! !

Washington D.C & Dollar

2009-02-14T16:36:00.000-08:00

A tour guide was showing a tourist around Washington, D. C. The guide pointed out the place where George Washington supposedly threw a dollar across the Potomac River.

"That's impossible," said the tourist. "No one could throw a coin that far!"

"You have to remember," answered the guide. "A dollar went a lot farther in those days."

Flies

2009-02-14T16:35:00.000-08:00

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting Flies," he responded.

"Oh!, Killed any?" she asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

Judge's Announcement

2009-02-13T16:34:00.000-08:00

A judge enters the courtroom, strikes the gavel and says, "Before I begin this trial, I have an announcement to make.

"The lawyer for the defense has paid me $15,000 to swing the case his way. The lawyer for the plaintiff has paid me $10,000 to swing the case her way.

"In order to make this a fair trial, I am returning $5,000 to the defense."

Top ten reasons you've eaten too much

2009-02-12T16:33:00.000-08:00

10. Hundreds of volunteers have started to stack sandbags around you.

9. Doctor tells you your weight would be perfect for a man 17 feet tall.

8. You are responsible for a slight but measurable shift in the earth's axis.

7. Right this minute you're laughing up pie on the carpet.

6. You decide to take a little nap and wake up in mid-July.

5. World's fattest man sends you a telegram, warning you to "back off!"

4. CBS tells you to lose weight or else.

3. Getting off your couch requires help from the fire department.

2. Every escalator you step on immediately grinds to a halt.

1. You're sweatin' gravy.

The Verge

2009-02-11T16:32:00.000-08:00

A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' Mother's name?"

One child answered, "Mary."

The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' Father's name was?"

Another child said, "The Verge."

Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"

The little one said, "Well, you know they are always talking about The Verge 'n' Mary."

Kids are quick!!

2008-12-12T16:04:00.000-08:00

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
_______________________________

TEACHER: Tom, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
Tom: ....Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER: G len, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
_______________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

Another Bill Gates joke

2008-12-12T15:56:00.000-08:00

Why Bill Gates decides to Sell off Microsoft ?

Letter from SARDARJI TO Mr.Bill GATES OF MICROSOFT *

**Subject: Problems with my new computer.

Dear Mr. Bill Gates,

We have bought a computer for our home and we have found
some problems, which I want to bring to your notice.

1. There is a button 'start' but there is no
'stop' button. We request you
to check this.

2. We find there is 'Run' in the menu. One of my
friends clicked 'run' he ran up to Amritsar ! So, we request you to change that to
'sit', so that we can click that by sitting.

3. One doubt is whether any 're-scooter' is available in system? I find only
're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.

4. There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot trace the key with this '
find' button, but was unable to trace. Please rectify this problem.

5. My child learnt ' Microsoft word ' now he wants to learn ' Microsoft sentence', so when you will provide that?

6. I bought computer, CPU, mouse and keyboard, but there is only one icon which shows 'MY Computer': when you will provide
the remaining items?

7. It is surprising that windows says 'MY Pictures' but there is not even a single photo of mine. So when will you keep my photo in
that.

8. There is ' MICROSOFT OFFICE ' what about 'MICROSOFT HOME' since I use the
PC at home only.

9. You provided 'My Recent Documents'. When you will provide 'My Past Documents'?

10. You provide 'My Network Places'. For God sake please do not provide 'My Secret Places'. I do not want to let my wife know where
I go after my office hours.

Regards,

SARDARJI **

Last one to Mr Bill Gates :

Sir, how is it that your name is Gates but u are selling
WINDOWS?*

Sardarji Joke

2008-11-10T18:56:00.000-08:00

A sardar was asked to form a sentence using Understand and this is what he had to say:

If you understand, say "understand" . If you don't understand, say
"don't understand". But if you understand and say "don't understand".
How do I understand that you understand? Understand!

"No Hard Feelings Guys"

Perfect Woman

2008-08-31T19:58:00.000-07:00

A young man finds the woman of his dreams and asks her to marry him. He tells his mother he wants her to meet his fiance, but he wants to make a bit of a game out of it. He says he'll bring the girl over with two other women and see if his mother can guess which is the one he wants to marry. His mother agrees to the game.

That night, he shows up at his mother's house with three beautiful young ladies. They all sit down on the couch, and everyone has a wonderful evening talking and getting to know each other.

At the end of the evening, the young man asks his mother, 'OK, Mom, which one is the woman I want to marry?'

Without any hesitation at all, his mother replies, 'The one in the middle.'

The young man is astounded. 'How in the world did you figure it out?'

'Easy,' she says. 'I don't like her.'

Dream

2008-08-30T19:58:00.000-07:00

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams"

Regular or Premium

2008-08-29T19:56:00.000-07:00

When the family car developed a slight knock, the husband asked his wife if she had bought regular or premium gas, but she couldn't remember.

"You probably got the cheaper gas," he said. "That could account for the engine running so rough."

"No, the gas wasn't cheaper!" she replied indignantly.

"Well, how much did it cost?" asked the husband.

"It cost the same as always," said the wife. "I bought the usual ten dollars worth."

Curse

2008-08-28T19:55:00.000-07:00

A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.

"This is the Klotschtein diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."

"What's the curse?" the man asked.

"Mr. Klotschtein."

A Santa Joke

2008-08-27T17:32:00.000-07:00

Interviewer: what s ur qualification?
Santa : Sir I am Ph.d.

Interviewar : what do u mean by Ph.d?
Santa : (smiling) PASSED HIGHSCHOOL with DIFFICULTY.. ..

Kangaroo's Escape

2008-08-26T17:25:00.000-07:00

A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo.

After recapturing the kangaroo, the zookeeper put up a ten-foot fence. Again the kangaroo was out the next morning, roaming around the zoo. So the fence was extended to twenty feet. But again the kangaroo was out the next morning.

Frustrated zoo officials built a fence forty feet high.

A camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How much higher do you think they'll go?"

The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet I guess -- unless somebody starts locking the gate!"

Skunk (S)Pray!

2008-08-25T17:24:00.000-07:00

A family of skunks was trapped in a thicket, surrounded by a pack of hungry wolves that were edging even closer.

The Mother skunk calmly instructed her young: "Quickly children, let's put our heads together!"

After they obeyed, forming a circle, she continued, "Now-Let us spray!"

Bill Gates in Heaven

2008-08-24T17:24:00.000-07:00

Bill Gates died and went to Heaven.

Saint Peter showed him to his house, a small cottage on a tiny plot in the woods. The closets were full of simple but servicable clothing, and the kitchen was stocked with the basic needs. Bill slowly settled into a modest and quiet life in heaven.

One day, Bill was walking in one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit.

"That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?"

"Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful lake. I have a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, tennis courts and three Rolls Royces."

"Were you the Pope, or a doctor who healed the sick?" asked Gates.

"No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic."

Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St. Peter.

Cornering St. Peter, Bill told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could you give me a paltry new house, while you're showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better?"

"Yes, we even use Windows here in heaven," replied Peter, "and the Titanic only crashed once."

Hearing Aid

2008-08-23T17:22:00.000-07:00

Having lost most of his hearing a number of years ago, this elderly man goes to the doctor to be fitted with hearing aids which promise to allow him to hear 100%. A month later, he returns to the doctor for a check up on his progress. The doctor tells him that his hearing is perfect and asks if his family is pleased.

The man says, "Oh, I haven't told them about the hearing aids yet. I just sit around and listen to them talk. I've changed my will three times!"

Handsome and Irresistible

2008-08-22T17:20:00.000-07:00

A man and his wife were returning from a party one evening. As the couple was driving home, she asked her husband, "Honey, has anyone ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible to women you are?"

Totally flattered, he replied, "No, dear they haven't."

At that point she yelled, "Then what the heck gave you THAT idea at the party tonight?"

Purple Elephant!

2008-08-21T17:19:00.000-07:00

What sound does a grape make when an elephant steps on it?

None. It just lets out a little wine.

Why Newton Committed Suicide

2008-08-20T17:30:00.000-07:00

WHY NEWTON COMMITTED SUICIDE???

Here is the reason.

Once, Newton came to India and watched a few Tamil movies that had
his head spinning. He was convinced that all his logic and laws in
physics were just a huge pile of junk and apologized for everything
he had done.

In the movie of Rajanikanth, Newton was confused to such an extent
that he went paranoid. Here are a few scenes

1) Rajanikanth has a Brain Tumor which, according to the doctors
can't be cured and his death is imminent. In one of the fights, our
great Rajanikanth is shot in the head. To everybody's surprise, the
bullet passes through his ears taking away the tumor along with it
and he is cured! Long Live Rajanikanth!

2) In another movie, Rajanikanth is confronted with 3 gangsters.
Rajanikanth has a gun but unfortunately only one bullet and a
knife. Guess, what he does? He throws the knife at the middle
gangster? & shoots the bullet towards the knife. The knife cuts the
bullet into 2 pieces, which kills both the gangsters on each side
of the middle gangster & the knife kills the middle one.

3) Rajanikanth is chased by a gangster. Rajanikanth has a revolver
but no bullets in it. Guess what he does. Nah? Not even in your
remotest imaginations.

He waits for the gangster to shoot. As soon as the gangster shoots,
Rajanikanth opens the bullet compartment of his revolver and
catches the bullet. Then, he closes the bullet compartment and
fires his gun. Bang...the gangster dies...

This was too much for our Newton to take! He was completely shaken
and decided to go back. But he happened to see another movie for
one last time, and thought that at least one movie would follow his
theory of physics. The whole movie goes fine and Newton is happy
that all in the world hasn't changed. Oops, not so fast!

The 'climax' finally arrives. Rajanikanth gets to know that the
villain is on the other side of a very high wall. So high that
Rajanikanth can't jump even if he tries like one of those superman
techniques that our heroes normally use. Rajanikanth has to
desperately kill the villain because it's the climax. (Newton dada
is smiling since it is virtually impossible?)

Rajanikanth suddenly pulls two guns from his pockets. He throws one
gun in the air and when the gun has reached above the height of the
wall, he uses the second gun and shoots at the trigger of the first
gun in air. The first gun fires off and the villain is dead.

Newton Commits Suicide!!!!!!!!!

Opposites Attract!!

2008-08-20T17:18:00.000-07:00

Two bachelors were talking about their respective choice of life partner. One friend said,'It is generally said that people with opposite characteristics make the happiest marriages. What is your opinion ?

The friend replied,'Yes, they are right. That is why I am looking for a girl with a money!'

Chicken Farmer

2008-08-07T16:16:00.000-07:00

An idiot decides to start up a chicken farm, so he buys a hundred chickens to get up and running.

A month later he returns to the dealer to get another hundred chickens because the first lot had died.

Another month passes and he's back at the dealers for another hundred chickens.

"I think I know where I'm going wrong" he tells the dealer, "I think I'm planting them too deep."

Sales people

2008-08-06T16:13:00.000-07:00

How do salespeople traditionally greet each other?

"Hi. Nice to meet you. I'm better than you."

Mistaken Identity

2008-08-05T16:15:00.000-07:00

A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near-death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it. God says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.

Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, and a tummy tuck. She even has someone come in and change her hair colour. She figures that since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it.

She walks out the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital.

She arrives in front of God again and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?"

God replies, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you."

Wife Wanted!!

2008-08-04T16:12:00.001-07:00

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."

Next day he received a hundred letters.They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

Cheeky Monkey

2008-08-03T00:09:00.000-07:00

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.

The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk."

The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.

Again, the monkey shook his head up and down. "Well, did you see this?"

"Yes," motioned the monkey.

"What happened?"

The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.

"They were drinking?" asked the officer.

The monkey shakes his head "Yes."

"What else?" The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.

"They were smoking marijuana?"

The monkey shakes his head "Yes."

"What else?" The monkey motioned "kissing."

"They were kissing, too?" asked the astounded officer.

The monkey shakes his head "Yes."

"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and kissing before they wrecked."

The monkey shakes his head "Yes."

"What were you doing during all this?"

"Driving" motioned the monkey.

What is the time?

2008-07-31T11:30:00.000-07:00

A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting.

Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.

Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?"

The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.

With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.

Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is."

The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly.

Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?" The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch."

Drug

2008-07-31T11:28:00.000-07:00

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.

His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You’re beautiful.” Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said,”You’re cute.” The wife was disappointed because instead of “beautiful,” it was now “cute.”

She asked, “What happened to beautiful?”

The man replied, “The drugs are wearing off.”

Confession

2008-07-31T11:21:00.000-07:00

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, “What do you mean, almost?” The Irishman said, “Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.”

The priest said, “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.”

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, “I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!”

The Irishman replied, “Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!”